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My experiences in online dating… AKA The Ladies (cue the cheesy 70′s music)

12 Jul

So for a few years now, I have been on and off of the world of online dating. OkCupid, Plentyoffish, Jdate and I think I even took a stab at Lavalife once (Tons of prostitutes on that one). I am not writing today to complain about the women and the lack of quality… Actually I am, so leave now if this subject dost offend.

I can sum up the majority of the girls I have spoken to in one of three types. The Deluded, the Desperate and the Devoid. Let me explain each, one at a time.

The DELUDED: These women seem to be of the belief that because they were gifted with a pair of tits and a vagina that they deserve the creme de la creme of men. One girl actually stated that she is used to only dating doctors, so this is where her comfort level is. Seriously?! I have always known the golddiggers, but the internet has now given a forum for these women to be honest about it. I think I prefered it when I was ignorant of it.

I get that a woman doesn’t want a bum, but come on! Less than 1% of the population in the world is wealthy , yet at least  30% of the women online are looking for that less than 1%.  The math just doesn’t work. I am sure there is a correlation between the rise of  golddiggers and the increase in freakish plastic surgery, but I am no statistician, so I will leave that to the professionals.

All I am saying is, unless you look like Giselle, try lowering your expectations. 

The DESPERATE: In order to approach these women, one must be prepared to have all the answers prepped for a quick delivery.  Here are just a few (included is the real meaning of the question):

  1. What are you looking for? (I want marriage and a family yesterday)
  2. How many kids do you want? (I want four. I have already named them and I expect them two years apart and plan to raise them safetly in the suburbs close to my mom)
  3. Are your parents still together? (Because I have studied enough pop psychology to know, without any education, that if your parents are together, we will be forever… how romantic)
  4. Do you have a stable job? (Because I plan to go on a date with you and start poppin’ out the midgets the moment you say check please, so we need to make sure you can afford to house and pamper me and your dna)

The DEVOID: Because some spoons are sharper than these chicks. I just love the vapid. Here is an actual conversation with one of LA’s finest:

I will be played by the role of Davidartiste, The girl will be played by the role of  2cuteFLtoLA

  • Davidartiste: Hi
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: Hi
  • Davidartiste: How are you? I’m David.
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: lol
  • Davidartiste: Huh?

5 minutes later

  • Davidartiste: Still there?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: yah.
  • Davidartiste: Do you have a name?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: yur funny.
  • Davidartiste: I’m confused.
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: Hi.
  • Davidartiste: My head hurts.
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: I know. So whats up?
  • Davidartiste: What Is Your Name?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: Jennifer urs?
  • Davidartiste: David… We’ve covered this.
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: lol.
  • Davidartiste: So, moving on. You are from Florida?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: yah
  • Davidartiste: When did you come to Los Angeles?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: I was born here.
  • Davidartiste: I thought you were from Florida?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: Went to college there for a year. Then came back. 
  • Davidartiste: So then you aren’t from Florida.
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: Ur funny.
  • Davidartiste: I need an aspirin.
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: Headache? hang on a sec. k?
  • Davidartiste: okay.

10 minutes later

  • 2cuteFLtoLA: sorry. phone. 1 sec.

10 minutes later

  • Davidartiste: Hello?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: Hi!
  • Davidartiste: Listen, I should get going?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: Goin out this weekend?
  • Davidartiste: No. I need to write. You?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: prolly.
  • Davidartiste: Prolly? What does that mean?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: lmao
  • Davidartiste: huh?
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: we should hang out. ur funny.
  • Davidartiste: you’ve said this. I need to go.
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: cool. bye.
  • Davidartiste: ciao.
  • 2cuteFLtoLA: call me.

Now, you may think I am making this up, but I am not. Trust me. 

I will leave you with an excerpt from one of the bereft. I will call her luv2laf1981. Mind you this was after 2 minutes of conversation.

  • Davidartiste: So how are the guys from OKcupid treating you?
  • luv2laf1981: i fucked one person, totally pissed off one guy, stood up one guy, basicly just chat like this with most.
  • Davidartiste: Huh? why are you telling me this?
  • luv2laf1981: he was a lil chubby
  • luv2laf1981: he gave good head tho 
  • Davidartiste: I gotta go.
  • luv2laf1981: cool. email me.
  • Davidartiste: Don’t count on it.
    •  

    About eldavisimo

    Who am I? Shall I tell you the sordidness of my existence like "David Copperfield"? "To begin my life at the beginning of my life, I record that I was born..." I say let's move beyond this point some 30 odd years and tell you, "Le Vie Vrai du David" or as I affectionately refer to as, "Yes, it's big, Yes, it's powerful and No, you can't touch it." So there I was minding my own business, playing a losing game of solitaire, when she walked in. Her stoic face said 'No." Her lascivious legs said "Yes." Her five inch stilettos coupled with a mangled, blood stained katana said, "Maybe." Immediately overwhelmed with a one-two combo punch of sexual awakening and verbal diarrhea, I blurted out, "Hi! Can I help you breasts?" Of course, in my mind, I said," Bonjour ma petit chou. You need my help. N'est pas?" In a thick Russian accent, she informed me that I was being hunted. Upon recovering from the fetal position, wiping the crocodile tears from my cheeks, and the screams for my mommy, I decided she must be pulling my leg. She told me that I was in danger. Thirty minutes later and an underwear change I told her, "Danger is my middle name." I told her it was also my first and last. She said an evil consortium of assassin circus clowns must eliminate a dangerous threat; specifically a Danger D. Danger threat. I told her this isn't possible. "Look you smoking hot, sexy, enigmatic lady with amazing legs and a terrifying accent to boot, this cannot be! Danger D. Danger is my nom de plume." She said that they are, in fact, hunting some idiot who calls himself that said name. I was screwed, to say the least; especially since I am coulrophobic. Suddenly, the lights in the building went out. The backup generators went on. She grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me in close. She started to feel my body up and down. I said, "Slow down, my little KGB love bird, let’s not use up your Danger D. Danger 'love-slave' card right away." She reached her hand into my pocket and pulled out a Starbucks gift card. She threw it to the side and informed me that it was, in fact, a homing beacon for the assassin circus clowns and that they followed me here to this place. After the second change of my shorts, I said, "Let's kill 'em all!" or "I want my mommy!" It was one of those two. The next thing I know smoke grenades were dropping in through the vents which began smoking up the joint. That's when it happenned; my greatest fear realized (a fear with a probability of .0000001% chance of happening). The clowns and their painted smiles and red squeaky noses came flying in, ninja-style, through the windows and ventilation shafts. Amazingly a few we
    3 Comments

    Posted by on July 12, 2010 in Uncategorized

     

    3 Responses to My experiences in online dating… AKA The Ladies (cue the cheesy 70′s music)

    1. Sunny

      September 11, 2010 at 4:01 PM

      Very funny. I have posted some of my chats on my blog, too. They’re unbelievable.

      Reply
       

    2. InannaFrenchPhilosopherEstudiante

      September 28, 2010 at 4:08 PM

      The convo between you and FltoLA made me laugh hysterically. You found me on OKCupid; I’m also on PoS; what’s your username there?

      Reply
       

    3. Isabella

      March 4, 2011 at 8:04 AM

      SO funny! Love it!

      Reply
       

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